My chemicals are not on rampage, I do not feel suicidal and I am not going around making poor choices because I believe I am right, I am going to change the world, I know everything and need to do everything (all at once). Now don’t get me wrong stable does not mean I am not moody or even bitchy. At times I feel my blood boil and if I make one wrong move I can spiral down into oblivion. I feel it is a feeling that many do not have unless they have bipolar or suffer from some from of mental illness. I am a sweet, caring, loving and anyone who knows me enjoys me company until of course I isolate and they know nothing of my illness/problems. I unfortunately can get very annoyed at small things and I never can understand why. I try my hardest to let things be, but sometimes that little devil comes out of me. Often times I have thought if “this” happens many of my problems will fade. Damn, I hate how I prove myself wrong time and time again. What seems to happen when you are “stable” is all those other habits, quirks, faults coming pouring out because not only did I not see them, but others did not either(I was off in severe depression or having the “happiest” moments of my life). No one could see them, I am a different person when my brain misfires and chemicals change. Life is a trading game, no matter what you do you, things will get better and worse, no matter how hard you don’t want to believe it. I will take what I have now, I am not complaining. I love how life teaches me so many lessons as each day passes.
When I get to the point where I am irritated, even angry and I know I am going on a bad rant where I become someone I do not like, but can not control it. This is when I panic, I wonder why can I just not let it go? It was not until recently that I have found some habits to simmer the rage.
As I go through all the things I hate and why I can justify it even though I don’t not want to do it (of course their is something to blame). I want to close my mouth in hopes that I will not regret my words… this is where I
1. Start listing all the things I am grateful for, if I can’t think of anything, I at least can be grateful that I thought of being grateful. Got to start somewhere:)
2. I go to a room where I can close the door (usually the bathroom for me, esp at work) and regroup myself. God I wish there were always rooms around, but my shit usually starts in the car. At this point I close my eyes, I take 3-5 of the deepest breaths I can take.
3. If I have access to music (which I never do when I am on a pissy fucking bitch fest) listen to you favorite song. If you can not get to music, run the words through your head until you can hear it in your mind, lord knows we know our music!
4. Sometimes I get irritated talking to people whether it be customers, boss, family, anyone really. If you want to get past the piss rage, want to chop your head off phase, close your mouth (keep it closed, you don’t want to lose it). Move your tongue inside your mouth, twist it, fling it, bite it, what ever you have to do so you can keep the negative energy in your mouth not to people around you. If you do it right, no one notices. I do this in an interview, I am so fidgety, nervous and just want it to be done. I take it out on my tongue, sounds WEIRD, but it helps me.
We all do things we will regret, but many times the things we regret can spiral our moods, one way or another. We just need to be honest, ask for help and find things that help you cope. Life goes on.
Well, I looked my demons in the eyes
laid bare my chest, said “Do your best, destroy me.
You see, I’ve been to hell and back so many times,
I must admit you kind of bore me.”