Ungrateful

In life I walk around hearing and seeing many things. I wonder what it is like to be different, I wonder what I could be like if something changed. I have wondered if I could change, would nothing change? I always looked for someone or something to make it better, to change the circumstance. I always wanted more or needed anything other than what I had. Wondering what it would be like not be mentally ill. Wishing I could just be free of it. Being ashamed because there are things I cannot change even if I wanted to. Sometimes being jealous of others because they have it easier than I(so I thought). Not happy with my appearance, my intelligence, my career and so many more things. Praying for my skin to look better, praying for acceptance into a school, praying for a better job that will make more money. I keep praying for things that are tangible. I often forget that, that isn’t important and so many others really do have it worse. I have more to be grateful for than I know.

I have worked in the hospital a long time for someone my age. I have seen many things. There are people with no family as they die alone in a room that is empty of whatever home they had. I have seen flesh fall of skin with the softest touch. I have seen children having blood drip out of them as they scream and their parents fall to the floor in there own puddle of tears. There are people who have had cancer for a long long time, each day they fight it, each day they have to choose to live because their body does not want to and cannot. They sit in the hospital, too sick to be home, but alert enough to have conversations and tell stories of their life, their family, their past…. the know it is only a matter of weeks till their life will end. Patients who have been in accidents and the no longer have legs or their arms and sometimes many organs in their body…. suffering…

Death and sorrow is around us everywhere. Everyone has a hard life because it all comes to a end. Every moment that passes is just one step toward death. I have wished, hoped and dreamed many things. I have wanted and yearned for other things. It became apparent to me today that no one ever has everything they want, but everyone gets something they need. I may have a chemical imbalance in my head, but at least I have a head and thoughts that come together in sentences. My eyes for me to see, lips to kiss, fingers to grasp and hold on to things. Arms to hug. Legs to run to the people I love. Skin to touch and feel many things. Even now I have the privilege to listen to beautiful music that moves my soul in ways I could never describe….

Everyone has a soul and anyone can pray. It doesn’t need to be someone else’s God, it just needs to be your God that loves you as is, pray to him or her…. it can just be you being grateful and hearing yourself say things you would dare not say to others. Praying or meditating of whatever you do allows you to look to your heart, reassess what you want, long for, and yearn. Often times I regret what I pray, thinking it is not good enough or it is selfish and honestly sometimes it is these things, but I cannot judge myself, for I am human. Everybody wants to be “normal”, fit in, be accepted, be loved… so in this society we want to be thin, makes lots of money, be successful and happy all the time. I wonder what will be “normal” in a hundred years. We cannot judge ourselves on what we are and what we are not. We cannot change these things. We can only accept ourselves and love and accept others. Being grateful for what we have instead of wanting everything we don’t have and will never attain. 

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