After my first 5150 I was placed on disability and last year I applied for permanent disability. I never thought I would get better, I never thought I would be able to stabilize, I felt hopeless, depressed, useless, stupid, like a fly on the wall…
The past two years has been the roughest periods of my life, I had a lot of shit happen, name it and it probably has happened. This is nothing to brag about, it is not something I am happy to talk about, I always told myself it would get better. I said over and over that it won’t always be a crazy, disastrous, and insane life. I never believed it, but I had to say it because without those thoughts I would have given up a long time ago.
Now I feel happy, fulfilled, complete, successful and am thriving. I was able to stabilize with meds, good sleep, taking it one day at a time, diet, exercise and love, lots of love from my husband and my own self love. How many times have I done these exact things and failed? I would tell you, but I couldn’t even count how many times it did not work, whether it was the wrong meds, me dealing with horrific side effects and stopping meds, unstable atmosphere, unfamiliar feelings triggering other things, hormones ….. I have seen hell, I have lived in hell and I tried to make my residency permanent many times.
I don’t live there now, I am alive and here in the present moment. I didn’t give up, please don’t give up yourself and don’t give in either. I know it is unbearable at times and you feel as if no one knows who YOU are, no one understands, you don’t feel loved, you feel alone, scared and experience feelings that no man or woman should ever feel. It will always get better and worse all at the same time in many dynamic ways. We have to learn to stay in the ride and smile and laugh when we can and hold on for dear life when it seems out of control. Life is a roller coaster and fortunately or unfortunately we where blessed with a wild roller coaster, one that few experience…
The Other Side of Me 