I am cycling faster than a tornado with wings. I cannot sleep, I cannot sit still, I cannot do only one thing at once. My mind is racing. I see what is in front of me yet I am interpreting it differently. I am trying to slow down, but I can’t. My hands are speeding across this keyboard, I have music in the background, bills in the side bar, messaging behind that and my budget hiding somewhere in the abyss. My head is pounding, the thoughts won’t stop. I am doing everything and nothing at the same time.
I exercised today, it felt great, I just kept on going, making moves up, blaring music in the background and now that I think about it I was trying to teach my dog to dance in this whole process. My memory is not serving me, I took a course only to fail it 3 times after listening to the lecture four times. This has never happened to me, EVER, EVERRR!!!
My hands are shaking, I want to scream, but I feel I can contain myself, but am afraid of the consequences that may proceed my hope. I am excited, I want to do everything, I want to be everywhere, I want to be the best. I can do this, but I know I can’t. Time will allow me to repeat the fate I am always doomed to .
Is it even possible for my emotions to be exhausted, but my energy, thoughts and dreams are thriving and moving forward. Yes, I suppose this is possible. I have been here before, why do I forget this until it is too late. Why do I not remember, why do I easily forget. My mind is telling me be careful, slow down, be nice, rest. I cannot, why can I not? I don’t understand myself today. One second it is this and the next second it is that.
Words are flying across this computer, my hands are still shaking, thoughts obviously racing, fear creeping and I don’t give a fuck feelings lingering. Stop, stop… why can I not stop. Hurt, yes this hurts, but I do not feel it yet. It will come it always comes… this week has been far from normal.
Rage is trapped inside of me. I cannot hear myself think, but my thoughts are being heard. Anxious, very anxious… What can I do, where can I go for protection? No medication can calm this storm, not until it passes and the damage is left. Heart is pounding, I keep trying to focus. Calm my thoughts, my anxiety, my emotions…
I don’t even know where to start or how to stop. I am a tornado with wings…. my God, help…
The Other Side of Me 