Mixed… GRT

Lost in thought

 

Lost in thought

I have not known what to write these past few days. My mind is mixed with emotions and I have been unable to relate them. The hardest thing about my bipolar is the changing emotions. I know this is true with anyone who suffers from this disease. I suppose it hurts me so much because my thoughts change with my emotions. When I am swinging back and forth for so long and hard I get confused and lost in my thoughts. You have to know yourself in the midst of the chaos happening in your mind, thoughts, emotions, feelings, desires, and fears. How do you hang on? This is something that has baffled myself since I knew I was bipolar.

When I get pissed off and mad or anxious and sad I ask myself these things. Is it good? Is it right? Is it true? (GRT) Many times I can’t get to this point when I am in full swing, but I am starting to see it crop up. The more I tell myself this when I am stable or able to think rationally even if for one moment. It gives me some perspective, it helps me hang on somehow. It isn’t always this easy, but the more I soul search and strive for goodness the less complicated it becomes. Doing GRT doesn’t take away the symptoms, it doesn’t even take away the crazy thoughts and emotions. It does help me remember my core when nothing around me is me, when everything is in shambles as I hold on for dear life.

Mixed is what I would classify these past few weeks. I am really unable to tell you what I think may happen next. Sometimes I feel like I have 2 brains. One depressed, the other manic and if I am lucky I fit right between the two. Lately, I feel I am getting kicked from one side to another. Going back and forth so fast that I could not tell you the moon from the stars.

I have a PsyD (psychiatrist) appointment in 3 hours. It will be my first time meeting him, I am a bit scared. I am a little relieved too because maybe he can help me figure out my mess and help me get back on track…. I will keep you updated.

“Quit putting yourself in a little box by trying to live consistently with your past and explaining every little action you take. BE YOU. Fully. In this moment. Independent of what others may or may not expect from you.”

-Brian Johnson

Ache

Depression setting in

My body aches, my head hurts, I cannot stop the random crying. It was a sleepless night filled with terror. Thoughts so overwhelming occupying my head with my emotions unable to relate. The anger, rage, fear, desire, motivation, dreams accompanied with aches, migraines, dizziness, queasiness,  crying and the overall feeling of illness. My soul weighs heavy, I can not stop it. I have slept on the couch since 4am. My body is tired, but my mind is not, this is hell beginning, fear and no hope for tomorrow.

And sometimes it hits me out of nowhere. All of a sudden this overwhelming sadness rushes over me. And I get discouraged and I get upset and I feel hopeless, sad and hurt. And once again, I feel numb to the world.  ~Unknown

It hurts…

Please don’t find me

Please don't find me

I had a feeling that my appetite change earlier this week was a warning sign. It isn’t always, but I have had that sneaking suspicion. During the holidays my sleep schedule changed significantly. From going to bed at 9-10pm I started going to bed around 1-2am and I slept in till noon most days. My eating habits changed from being a gluten free vegan,to bread filled with gluten and dairy/ mashed potatoes with butter/ decadent assortments of sweets and chocolate. I rarely eat candy and almost never eat animal products

My family was here early December and that caused a disruption beyond what I thought possible. I have seen my therapist since and my suspicions of my parents were confirmed. The chance of one of them having a mental illness, has blown my mind, my father confirmed it. I was in the shower and all I could think about was how much mental health illness is in my family. It is not just anxiety or depression, which I know are serious, but it is the rare mental illness’ that so many stigmatize and fear immensely. I thought that perhaps something is wrong with me as a whole. Maybe I was just an accident letting my illness fester. I am surrounded by illness, drama and fear.

I couldn’t sleep last night, my mind was racing… This ran in my head over and over:

“Sometimes I want to cry, why is it I want to die?

I sit up in my bed with racing thoughts in my head.

My thoughts are so confused, sometimes I feel used.

I cannot stop, I cannot try. Everything in side me wants to say goodbye.

I close my eyes like I am not here, I always live my life in fear.

So let me go, let me be, just please please don’t find me.

I am not suicidal, I am not depressed, I am stuck between that mess.

Irritable, hyper, productive, angry, energized, anxious, confident.

Mostly I am scared. I don’t want bipolar to find me again. I don’t want to be trapped inside me.

I would hope, but that’s no use. I would try, but it just makes me cry.

I want to stay calm, but I know it won’t be long. It’s in my head, perhaps I should be dead.

I do not want to look, I do not want to see what may be lurking inside of me.”