I have a meet-up group that focuses on nutrition. When I tell others that I am in this group they always say, “Why, you don’t need to do that, you are not over weight.” This makes me sad because so often people blur the lines of diet/nutrition/health. When you are on a diet it often implies that you are eating “healthy” and less. When you are being nutritious, you eat foods that are good for you, balanced, with room for the occasional treats. Healthy diets has the connotation that you have to eat healthy all the time, it is not longer about nutrition, but more about eating what the world views as healthy or to improve one’s health.
I struggled with eating disorders for a long time. I would get on the diet wagon and starve myself skinny. Then I would get on the healthy wagon where all I would eat are healthy food until I could no longer take the torture of having “good” foods like ice cream and chips. I never understood nutrition, I thought “healthy eating” was nutrition.
As time passed, I ended up in a eating disorder treatment center I was given the chance to see a nutritionist. At first I hated it, her and everything that had to do with eating nutritiously. I did not understand how eating 5-6 meals a day could help me get and maintain a healthy weight. I thought she was trying to make me fat (my eating disorder screaming!). I felt like I was ALWAYS eating. She also put in two times a week where I indulge in my favorite food (1 portion…whatever I wanted). I thought she was crazy, you don’t eat junk when you are trying to be healthy and maintain weight. She then proceeded to tell me that I should not being exercising every day (I thought she is bat shit insane). I needed exercise all the time, after all exercise is “healthy”. She explained to me that my body needs rest between workouts, to exercise 3 times a week for 45 minutes, no less, no longer. I didn’t like this…how am I going to look good? My nutritionist also told me I shouldn’t focus completely on cardio, (now this one I understood, but did not follow). It was suggested I do cardio for 30 minutes and strength training for 15. I really started to despise this woman. I didn’t understand it, it did not go with anything I believed.
Over time, my weight stabilized though, it did not move once I got to a very healthy weight. My body was showing definition, I had energy and I felt like I had routine. Nutrition was beginning to make sense to me. It wasn’t all or nothing, black and white… it was about balance, finding one that works for you and sticking to it.
Being bipolar I found this quite difficult. I tend to think all or nothing, my brain is black and white. I have a hard time following through with things and having balance is something I never understood. When I eat balanced and nutritiously I feel good, I feel motivated to exercise which makes me motivated to continue with balance. It helps my moods because I am not getting sugar rushes, caffeine highs, calorie crashes and binge sessions. All these things make me cycle or depress me.
It isn’t easy though, it takes time, a lot of time. It took me one year to get back to my healthy weight, but it hasn’t budged (with the exception of one drug that makes me lose weight when I first start it), but it always bounces back because I am for the most part consistent. I continued to see the nutritionist for another year. I was scared not to have her in my life, I finally trusted her, enjoyed her company and looked up to her.
Now I eat nutritiously and healthy. When I eat for “healthy”, I tend to eat a lot of crappy foods because I feel like am deprived. Eating nutritiously has made me feel more confident, gives me trust in myself, makes me feel good and helps with my moods.
As time progresses I realize everything on this earth is about moderation. It is what makes things balanced. I think this is one of the reasons bipolar is so hard. When you feel good you tend to take better care of yourself. When you are depressed you want to comfort yourself (many times it is with food). When you are manic you often times have so much energy you forget somethings go overboard on others…life needs balance.
All this said I want to encourage you to not give up on what ever your goal may be. The road is steep, but if you go slowly, take breaks and never give up… you WILL get to your goal. Patience, balance and compassion will get you there…
“Bipolar can make you unstable, but you are still able. Never give up, never give in, you will find your peace again.”
-G.E Laine
The Other Side of Me 